Sunday, April 6, 2008

…sLeEpLeSs NiGhT

Can we control our emotions, our feelings? Can we choose what to feel, how to feel and when to feel? I am just quite emotional. I am sensitive and easily got hurt. I am so fragile that you have to take care of, if you truly care.

Last night after my class, 8:40 pm, I immediately went to my apartment for I was exhausted from the day’s work. I phoned my family back home to greet our youngest brother, Happy Birthday. After that, I felt strange. I couldn’t sleep. I had mixed feelings. My mom cried while we were talking, saying they miss me a lot, and asking me when will I come home. That led me to shed tears, too. It’s very hard if you are away from your loved ones especially on special occasions. I was just sad because I wasn’t there, wasn’t able to celebrate with them. I even wished I could fly that time. This is maybe because I am just so family-oriented. I guess every Filipino is, due to our culture – close family ties. We are so attached to our families.

I really found it hard to sleep last night. I live alone in my flat and have noone to talk to. I was shy to call my Chinese friends here, thinking I might disturb them. It’s already a little late at night, 10:35 pm. I also didn’t want to bother my foreign friends in other cities, they might be tired like me, and probably be sleeping that time. This situation worsen my feelings. I just got up and increase the volume of my music, for I always sleep with music turned on. I arrange my things and folded my clothes decently. I was just worried ‘coz I was thinking of my ten (10) classes the day after, I have to get up early.

Do you know what I did? I forced myself to sleep. I had no choice or else, I would be sleepy in my classes and wouldn’t be able to execute them well. I, of course, don’t want that to happen. I always want to be active, enthusiastic and energetic in front of my dear students. I don’t want them to see me that way. I do believe, "teachers are the models of the students." So, I am always acting like one. Fortunately, I was able to sleep 30 minutes after midnight.

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